Draft email to the CFO, reviewed with margin notes

To: CFO · Subject: Quick thought on payroll

Hope your week is going well! I wanted to reach out about something I've been looking into over the past few weeks regarding our payroll setup.

Our current provider has been fine, but I was thinking we might potentially want to consider some alternatives.

After comparing three vendors, switching would save us $8,400 a year with the same features and a two-week migration.

Let me know what you think whenever you get a chance.

Fix1The subject hides the ask. Put the decision and the number in it.
Consider2Warm-up line. A busy CFO skips it. Cut it.
Consider3Three hedges in five words. Say what you recommend.
Fix4The ask is buried in paragraph three. Lead with it.
Click a highlight or a note to link them. This is the shape to ask for: "Return the review as HTML with margin notes and Fix / Consider tags."